Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Unexpected Path...

My vision for this blog, "Along the Way" is to share all the Lord is doing in my life as I journey on the road toward the narrow gate.  If you know me-from Facebook or some other place, you also know that the current road I'm on is not one I ever expected. Indeed, this particular slice of the journey is testing my faith more than even I want to admit.

As I write, I'm in ICU at St. Joseph's Hospital in Phoenix, AZ. I'm spending the night with my beautiful boy John as soon we're going to discontinue treatment and "let go and let God" as the saying goes.

How often do we say that we're going to do this, and then take it back from Him? I know I've done it more often than I can count! I'm sure you have a few of those "Thanks Father, I got this one now" moments. And then He puts us in that position where He's the only one that can possibly show us the way, the right thing to do- His will.

On this journey his wife, Dawn, and I have had more mountaintops (when it seemed he'd recover) and valleys (when another infection attacked or his poor brain would fill up with fluid-AGAIN). We were talking about it the other night and had to wonder if God had given us the right path to choose even before we traversed another of the "valley" times. And oh how it hurts!! And trusting God is ALL I can do!

I know I'm not the first mom to lose a child. And yet it is such a solitary experience also. Thoughts wander to all my "bad mother" moments and how I'd like a do-over. Then, off to all the times John stole my car- even going so far as to bring back one stolen vehicle because it ran out of gas, then stealing the other one!  A few "John got busted" calls, and a time or two when he just needed his mom, even as an adult.

One call, quite a few years ago, he was crying "Mom, my car caught on fire".  When I asked if he was ok, the answer was " yes I'm ok but Mom, it's a '69 Camaro and now it's on fire".  More recently...just about a year ago, his favorite dog, Harley, was severely injured and he was heartbroken-and because he was, so was I.  Harley survived that just as John has survived so much throughout his life. Sadly, Harley passed away just before Christmas, and John never knew it.  And now, if dogs go to heaven, John will be united with him.

I've told John that he's forgiven for all the bad stuff he's done. I've asked John's forgiveness for all the bad choices I have made that affected his own path. I hope and pray most of all that when he stands before God that our Lord will see John's good heart. When it's my turn to go home-Lord, please let me once more see my firstborn.

Most of all, what I miss is the way he'd say "Yes, Mother" when I was having a soapbox moment. It was then I knew he'd heard me.  ...and now, I don't know,.

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