Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Selfish vs Selfless

It's not often that I write more than 6 posts a year.  As I share my thoughts on this unexpected journey-feel free to share yours. I've always believed in commUNITY and hope that what I write may someday help you, even as your prayers, love and support help me.

As this journey continues, the question remains for Dawn and I: "Are we doing the right thing?"

I have been here before. I've lost a husband in the past and while he died at an unexpected time, it was something I knew was coming. I
can't say I was truly ready but it just occurred to me that at his passing he was just about my son John's age..43.  I was there when my mom succumbed to cancer (age 58).  ...and when my dad suffered heart and kidney failure and we said good-bye.

It is indeed true that the one thing we're sure of is that someday we're going to die. A common saying is that the only guarantee we have in
this life is "death and taxes".  I know that many, if not all of us have given some thought to how we'd like to leave this world. Whether one is a
Christian who believes in going to our heavenly home after our time is done; or, as my beloved believes... that we just cease to exist- you
know that as those you love die, you've wondered what it will be. Is there more after our bodies succumb? To put it bluntly we come face to
face with our mortality. This life WILL end.

Knowing that John is never going to have a quality of life even 50% of what he once had, Dawn and I are faced with the choice to
discontinue curative treatment. Essentially, we would need to tell the doctors and nurses to no longer administer the antibiotics currently
being given. To take him off the ventilator that helps him to breathe easier. To stop the fever-reducing medication and the blood pressure medicine and just keep him comfortable. It means saying good bye to John-even the John that we wish we didn't see in this helpless, debilitated state.

We want to be selfish and keep him with us. We want some indication that the doctors are wrong and that he'll return to the John that made
us laugh, cooked a mean "whatever is in the fridge" meal. Called his mom just because he was bored so we could share music, discuss politics and what shows we were watching on the tube or internet. We want!!!

We've discussed what John would want too.  And even if we were to continue, where he is now would likely not change. He'd really never
return to us as we want.  Right now, it is so painful to see him lying in the bed, connected to multiple monitors and IVs and a respirator. It hurts to know that he would shoot us both for letting him remain in this state. And so, we're going to do the self-less.

...and yet I pray even as Jesus did in Gethsemene “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”
(Lk 22:42).

1 comment:

  1. Donna My heart goes out to you. I could not imagine the pain you must feel. I pray the Lord will bring you peace and comfort in you time of need. In Jesus name with love and kindness A-Men